Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
