Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
