are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
