3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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