i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
