The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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