My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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