i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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