the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize