I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
