Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
