I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
