he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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