Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he shaved USA in his pubs
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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