my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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