Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
