There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
