does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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