the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
