I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
