so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
