I smell stomach acid.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
