I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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