I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least đ
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I should have known it wouldnât work. Someone saved in her phone as âSubway Sexâ called the week before the wedding
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