But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize