I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
