I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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