mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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