She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
