Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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