he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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