he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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