Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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