i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
