my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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