yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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