They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My vagina just clenched in fear
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