Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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