so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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