Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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