He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
