just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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