I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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