My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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