The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
