I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
