We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
