i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Text me some of your sweat
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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