Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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