I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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