1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
