Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize