Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
