You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
