The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
