He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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