dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
