my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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